Emily Volman

Television Tard

Written by Emily on May 20, 2010 – 10:35 pm -

From 1997 to 2007, I lived (read "survived") without television. Having grown up as an only child, television was my family...so it was really hard to cut the cord. My childhood companions were Joanie, Laverne, Kip, Rudy, Blanche, Colt, Flo, Ralph, Balki and The Ricker. While in college, I admit to flaking on my "family" a bit, but I was always ready and available to listen about any drama Brenda or Lois might be having with Dylan or Clark [respectively]. But when I started living in sin with my eventual-husband, I had to ditch my clique. (Isn't that what you do when you get in a serious relationship?) Being the responsible one of the couple, my husband got rid of his television long before meeting me because he knew it would distract him while he was getting his college degree. Since I barely got my college degree and was FINE, I didn't get it. I should clarify, my husband and I had a television. We just didn't have it hooked up to cable; it was only for VHS/DVD. In 2004, we bought a 12" television specifically to be used with our karaoke machine, but I figured out that you could get two channels with the rabbit ears, so...I now admit to having a secret daytime rerun affair with a few of guys named Doug, Ray and JerrY!JerrY!. Three years ago, long after having attained his bachelors and masters, I demanded that my husband allow (read "let the cable guy in when he showed up at the door") us to reconnect with the television world. Oh my gosh, you guys!!! Have you seen that show FRIENDS!?!? Yes, I'm just now seeing and loving shows you people watched two decades ago. Yes, I'm just now caught up on what's actually new on tv. And yes, I have NOT seen a lot of stuff because there's just too much to see. So, it is now that I ask you, my online friends - which is SO MUCH more normal than only having television friends, what scripted show(s) am I missing that will make my life complete? Help me. Mold me. Bend me. Shape me...anyway you want me... see, that's how eff'ing far behind I am, folks! Here's what I have seen since 2007, so don't suggest these: Prime Suspect • Arrested Development • Entourage • Mad Men • Party Down • The Tudors • Secret Diary of a Call Girl • Dexter • 30 Rock • Glee • The Office • Flight of the Conchords • Extras • lots of dumbass reality shit, so don't even think about suggesting one of those I promise to watch at least two episodes (specify which, if you must) of the show(s) you suggest and report back to you. I don't promise to like the show...or you, for that matter...but I will be appreciative of your time and your fake virtual friendship. God knows I need friends! Speaking of...did you see the one where Joey speaks French? "Welcome to New York City! Or should I say 'ghe deu flooff New York City'?" HA!