Written by Emily on January 19, 2010 – 4:26 pm -
Last week I was in a store and stumbled across the oddest item I’d ever seen…. Practice Finger.
It was so fascinating, I had to buy it! When I brought it to the register, and the girl rang it up, I suddenly felt self-conscious for buying Practice Finger. I didn’t know what it was and it seemed really dirty. Either way, I didn’t want her to judge me for buying Practice Finger.
I laid Practice Finger on the counter and chuckled while saying, “I just
had to buy this.” She nodded, uninterested. BUT because it’s me, I took it as harsh judgment. I had to speak up again. I had to let her know that I was buying this AS A JOKE! I really don’t NEED Practice Finger. I put on a clown-like smile and said, “It’s just the
craziest thing!!” She half-smiled (which looked similarly like disdain) and said, “64¢.” All that coolness I was exuding (as described above) flew RIGHT out the window as I excitedly claimed, “What a deal for Practice Finger!!” As if I knew.
I got it home and examined it further. I was pretty excited about the self-adhesive base. You know…you don’t want Practice Finger to MOVE on you when you’re in the middle of….it. Whatever
it is.
WARNING: Let me interrupt myself here to say that whatever you’re doing with Practice Finger, please note that it is “for Professional.” Not to be rude, but you’re most likely an amateur and I don’t want to see you get hurt.
Well, as it turns out, Practice Finger has an actual purpose: it’s used by cosmetology students to practice putting on fake nails. Now…I’ve never had a friend studying to be a cosmetologist, but I probably wouldn’t let her (OR him – doing nails is NOT just for girls anymore – ask any of the ONE male Korean manicurists always working at the sweatshop nail salons) practice on my fingernails.
So while Practice Finger makes sense “for Professional” reasons, I couldn’t help but think that there were a lot of times I could’ve used Practice Finger when I wasn’t QUITE ready to use my real finger. Here are some:
• It just so happens the VERY day after I purchased Practice Finger, a friend suggested we pinky swear on something. I’ll be honest, friend, I was apprehensive about our deal. We’ve had our troubles in the past and to make such a strong commitment was causing me great anxiety. I’m so glad I bought Practice Finger when I did. It was sort of like “just moving in with someone.” So far, it’s working out. We’ll see.
• With Practice Finger’s self-adhesive backing, it’s an obvious practicality for holding small items that I usually lose, like: keys, rings, sanity
• Unlike any man that gets stopped at a light, I don’t really enjoy picking my nose. Or my butt. It’s dirty. Not
my butt. Or
my nose. I’m very clean. Well, maybe not when I have a cold or something.
Sometimes your butt is just dirtier when you have a cold! I don’t know why!
Anyway… sometimes you have no other option for picking. Now you do.
• I sucked my thumb until college. Now my left thumb is smaller than my right. Had I sucked on Practice Finger instead, I wouldn’t be the deformed monster I am today.
• Given its unique “Unbreakable plastic” feature, Practice Finger is SO versatile!
- Got a flat tire? Keep Practice Finger in your glove box for quick plugs!
- Have a small, dark space you have to stick your finger in, but afraid of what might be in there? Practice Finger is ready for the task!
- Tend to smash your children’s fingers in car doors? Fear Child Protective Services no more! Now you can still take out your aggressions on them without really hurting them!
• If I’m not mistaken, I think my housecleaner used Practice Finger to pull some hair out of a drain while I was out of town.
• I'm learning to play the banjo, and I have found that my small digits make it harder to play chords with my left hand. This baby's really gonna come in handy! Plus, I can just stick it right on the neck of the banjo! Sort of like a capo for weirdos.
• A bonus of Practice Finger is its realistic look, flesh coloring (which I might add could be misconstrued as racist. I didn’t see multi-ethnic Practice Fingers at the store. Maybe it’s just where I live.), lifelike wrinkles and joints. This really makes Practice Finger camera ready. Prop Masters and Stand-In Casting Directors, I implore you to give Practice Finger a looksee. Jennifer Grey probably wore out her real finger in Dirty Dancing when she was calling her lover boy. I’m just sayin’.
• Unfortunately, the one thing you'd really like to do with Practice Finger is flip someone off. But alas, unless you want to look like you're only half pissed about the situation, this bent Practice Finger is not very useful.
• And finally, there are obviously many pornographic uses for Practice Finger…but I will leave those to your bedrooms, elevators, cars or wherever it is you do your pornographic things. (You can email me those ideas privately, however…I mean…for research purposes.)
I’m thinking about publishing a coffee table book on Practice Finger, so please comment below on any other wonderful uses you come up with. The best one will receive Practice Finger in the mail from ME! (How’s that for incentive, huh!?!)
