Emily Volman

Top 5 Coolest Female Movie Characters I’d Marry If I Were A Guy

While I was running this morning, the song “Eastbound And Down” by Jerry Reed (from Smokey and the Bandit) came on my mix. You may ask yourself why I have that song on my iPod. It’s awesome, that’s why. Eff you.

Anyway, as I was throwing the hammer down and giving it hell, I started to think how cool Sally Field’s character Carrie (or “Frog” as Bo Darville called her because she “hopped around” and he wanted to” jump her”) was in that movie. If I was a guy, I continued to ponder, I think I’d like to have her around more than just on high-stakes roadtrips. The guy-me imagined roaming around the countryside, drinking beers with her. She was so carefree and fun on our trips…a real firecracker but not too opinionated…hot AND adorable…can drive a car…she needs me, yet doesn’t need me. We’d be perfect together.

I was almost hit by a car at this point on my run and jumping it wasn’t really an option by foot, so I stopped daydreaming about being a man and spending my life with Sally Field. But damnit. Quickly enough, guy-me sucked me-me back in by wondering what other cool chicks would be good to marry. After all, guys like to collect girls, right? Especially polygamists.

So, here are my “Top 5 Coolest Female Movies Characters I’d Marry If I Were A Guy”:

#5: Marge the Police Chief (Frances McDormand) from Fargo
She can crack a case, build up her man’s self-esteem, capture a killer and speak out for human decency, all while in an advanced state of pregnancy and at sub-zero temperatures. She may not be the hottest woman in the world, but if we’re living in North Dakota, choices are limited.

#4: Rachel (Kelly McGillis), from Witness
From strapping farm widow and obedient adherent of a marginal anti-modern, pacifist religion to luminous maiden straight out of de la Tour to passionate heretic and soul-changing lover. And she makes a mean glass of lemonade after a hard day’s barn raising.

#3: Kay Adams-Corleone (Diane Keaton) from The Godfather
If guy-me was in charge of an entire enterprise and community, I would want Kay to come home to. She quietly puts up with crazy family members, knows how to keep a secret and is always waiting for you when you’re ready for her. She also doesn’t ask questions. If she does…BAM! You can just lie to her and she’ll believe you.

#2: Dr Caroline “Cathy” Ryan (Anne Archer) from Patriot Games
This listing is admittedly influenced by a previous boyfriend who swore this was his ideal wife. Guy-me tends to agree, though, so she’s way up there. Beautiful, successful, supportive, a good mom, knows when to run when she’s told to and isn’t afraid to tell her husband to kill people for the sake of her family. What’s not to love?

#1: Mary Hatch Bailey (Donna Reed) from It’s a Wonderful Life
This is a no-brainer. It’s Donna fucking Reed, people! Quiet, unfussy, allows her husband to go completely mental looking for something better than what he already has. And why? Because she’s also smart and knows that men aren’t.

As I gathered my list, I noticed a pattern. All of the women guy-me was choosing were quiet-yet-intelligent, tough-but-innocent, not-too-needy-but-not-too-independent, beautiful, never too emotional and stands by their man no matter what they do…basically, me-me decided guy-me is an idiot. Or, at the very least, not living on this planet. Women aren’t like any of these women. Wait! I should say: Real women are exactly like these women PLUS a whole lot more.

I’m sure you can argue my list, but guy-me doesn’t give a shit what you think. And guy-me can kick your ass.

But me-me is more opened-minded and thoughtful. If you could be a man, are actually a man or were a man but now a woman, what are your top cool movie chicks worthy of marriage and why? ….Perhaps this wittle woman can learn a thing or two from all you smarter, stronger, manly-types out there.

Fuck The Sign!

I’m sure you are a very positive, confident person who never gets down on yourself or feels like a loser. Well, I’m not. I admit it. I come from a pretty success-oriented family and, if interviewed, they would probably smile and say they’re proud of me…but they’d be telling a half-truth…because they love me.

Their disappointment – and my many friends who have catapulted past me in this entertainment race we all started together – has continued to drive me. I’ve chalked it up to having always been a late-bloomer: Boobs, not until ninth grade. First kiss, not until summer before tenth grade (probably ’cause I didn’t have boobs). Interest in reading, 1998. Exercise, three years ago. Understanding how to calculate tips, five months ago. In looking back at these minor accomplishments, I think they took such a long time because of fear. Um, wouldn’t YOU be terrified of your chest skin having to stretch into bags?!

I turned 36 years old one month ago (there you go, person who has googled “emily volman’s age” nine times). On that day, I ran my first half-marathon. The day before that race, I ran a short 5 miles in Griffith Park in Los Angeles. I didn’t really know where I was going in that park, and I was afraid. Was I allowed to run here? Is this path for horses? Will they trample me? Are rapists hanging out behind bushes? Will a car randomly jump the drainage ditch between the freeway and the golf course and kill me? That run was exhausting and I don’t mean on my legs.

To make matters worse, I saw a very old sign along part of my path. I could barely read it, it was that old. It said “NO RUNNERS BEYOND THIS POINT.” Oh, shit!! I knew it!! I looked around and there was no one in sight. I’m totally going to get yelled at! Or tased by a Park Ranger! Or…yelled at!

I then looked at the sign again. It really said “NO R N RS BEY D THI PO N T.” I looked around again. There was a lady running not more than 100 yards in front of me…long past the sign. My heart was pounding at the rhythm of my feet, my adrenaline was coursing through wherever adrenaline courses and my emotions were high. That is my excuse for this next part.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I was so pissed at myself. For the last 36 years on this planet I have followed the rules because I’ve been SCARED! And 9 times out of 10, I have been scared of getting yelled at! What a waste. I totally know how to yell back (ask my husband)! So at that moment, I charged through the bushes (penis-wielding violators be damned!) and kicked the post holding the sign. It really hurt. Toe throbbing, I loudly proclaimed to the two Asian golfers on the other side of the safety net, “For the rest of my life, I vow to FUCK THE SIGN!”

Since then, amazing things have been happening. I won’t go into details, but I will tell you that it does not involve golf balls. Instead my new outlook has shined a light on new and old faces and opportunities, which has inspired me to say “fuck you” to other success-sucks…..like age.

You’ve always heard that “age is just a number.” But unless you’re that facebook punkass, I know you’re thinking you haven’t done all you could have by now in your life. Yeah, me too. In the book The Rhythm of Life; Living Everyday With Passion and Purpose, author Matthew Kelly sites various people who didn’t really achieve their greatest accomplishment until later in life. Between that list and the interwebs, I compiled a quick list for you to reference when you’re feeling like a big fat failure:

• Julia Child – Being a government spy until she was 36 seems cool to me, but as she wrote to her sister-in-law, “To think it has taken me 40 years to find my true passion [in cooking],” I guess it wasn’t.
• Peter Mark Roget – Actually, Roget had done some cool scientific shit long before he was 70 years old, but it wasn’t until he was forced to retire at that age that he focused on what he really wanted to do: make a book listing similar words in classifications. He got his first thesaurus published when he was 73.
• Ray Kroc – Maybe you don’t know his name, but he was a 52 year old milkshake mixer salesman whose best customers were two brothers that owned a few hamburger restaurants. Kroc liked how fast and cheap these brothers served people and he suggested that they franchise on a national level. The brothers were too scared to do that, so Kroc said ” fuck the sign”…and, 9 years later, created a whole new sign:  “McDonald’s – More Than a Billion Sold.”
• Colonel Sanders – Speaking of fast food empires, Harland Sanders didn’t start cooking chicken until he was 40 and didn’t franchise KFC until he was 65.
• Rodney Dangerfield – He started doing stand-up in his teens, but not having any luck, he quit. He could have been the most famous acrobatic diver in the world, but there’s no respect in that! He finally got back into stand-up at age 40.
• Andrea Bocelli – The dude’s blind!, so you’d think being a lawyer would make him feel complete. Nope. He liked his “fun” job as a piano bar singer much more, but he didn’t catch a break with that until he was 34.

How about these people? No one recognized them until they were dead.
• Vincent van Gogh – 2,000 pieces of art, but rarely seen until the end of his life. In 1990, his “Portrait of Dr. Gachet” sold for $82.5 million and is now valued at $134 million.
• Emily Dickinson – Infamously recluse caused by a romantic breakup, Emily wrote poetry that hardly anyone saw. Only 7 poems were published while she was alive, and those were highly edited.
• Edgar Allen Poe – He sold The Raven for $9 during his life. He published other works but was either paid nothing or very little…and certainly didn’t get famous from it. He died at the age of forty, moving from town to town to avoid staying out of legal trouble from debt and drinking.

That might not seem inspirational, but at least you’re alive…and not homeless (or if you are, at least you get internet access at the library you’re currently in)…
• Halle Berry was 21 and living in a homeless shelter while trying to make it as an actor/model in NYC.
• William Shatner had just wrapped the Star Trek series, so it seems surprising that he had to live in a truck camper with his dog. Divorce’ll do that to ya.
• David Letterman, Jim Carrey and Jewel…we all know they were once car sleepers waiting to be discovered.

I was also going to list famous people who married their cousins, but I would like to go eat lunch. Neither of which has anything to do with anything.

So what’s the point of this blog, you ask? At this point, I have no idea, and I really don’t have the patience to be your personal Deepak Chopra, okay. But if you remember anything, let it be “fuck the sign!”  Use common sense, of course, but run on whatever path you’d like! You’ll eventually finish and feel really good about your accomplishment; regardless of recognition. And if you’re truly lucky, someone will yell at you along the way! Start thinking of a response now.

Television Tard

From 1997 to 2007, I lived (read “survived”) without television. Having grown up as an only child, television was my family…so it was really hard to cut the cord. My childhood companions were Joanie, Laverne, Kip, Rudy, Blanche, Colt, Flo, Ralph, Balki and The Ricker. While in college, I admit to flaking on my “family” a bit, but I was always ready and available to listen about any drama Brenda or Lois might be having with Dylan or Clark [respectively].

But when I started living in sin with my eventual-husband, I had to ditch my clique. (Isn’t that what you do when you get in a serious relationship?) Being the responsible one of the couple, my husband got rid of his television long before meeting me because he knew it would distract him while he was getting his college degree. Since I barely got my college degree and was FINE, I didn’t get it.

I should clarify, my husband and I had a television. We just didn’t have it hooked up to cable; it was only for VHS/DVD. In 2004, we bought a 12″ television specifically to be used with our karaoke machine, but I figured out that you could get two channels with the rabbit ears, so…I now admit to having a secret daytime rerun affair with a few of guys named Doug, Ray and JerrY!JerrY!.

Three years ago, long after having attained his bachelors and masters, I demanded that my husband allow (read “let the cable guy in when he showed up at the door”) us to reconnect with the television world. Oh my gosh, you guys!!! Have you seen that show FRIENDS!?!?

Yes, I’m just now seeing and loving shows you people watched two decades ago. Yes, I’m just now caught up on what’s actually new on tv. And yes, I have NOT seen a lot of stuff because there’s just too much to see.

So, it is now that I ask you, my online friends – which is SO MUCH more normal than only having television friends, what scripted show(s) am I missing that will make my life complete? Help me. Mold me. Bend me. Shape me…anyway you want me… see, that’s how eff’ing far behind I am, folks!

Here’s what I have seen since 2007, so don’t suggest these:
Prime Suspect • Arrested Development • Entourage • Mad Men • Party Down • The Tudors • Secret Diary of a Call Girl • Dexter • 30 Rock • Glee • The Office • Flight of the Conchords • Extras • lots of dumbass reality shit, so don’t even think about suggesting one of those

I promise to watch at least two episodes (specify which, if you must) of the show(s) you suggest and report back to you. I don’t promise to like the show…or you, for that matter…but I will be appreciative of your time and your fake virtual friendship. God knows I need friends!

Speaking of…did you see the one where Joey speaks French? “Welcome to New York City! Or should I say ‘ghe deu flooff New York City’?” HA!

Twitter Anniversary Contest!

This Sunday, April 25, 2010, marks the second anniversary of my becoming an elite member of the exclusive online community known as “the Twitters” (to my mom). Two whole years! Can you believe it!? That’s fourteen years for a dog! I am so not afraid of commitment.

Ah yes, Twitter. “Nobody wants to hear about when you’re going to the bathroom,” is the first thing people say to me when I tell them I’m on it, but I’ve never seen anyone telling me they’re going to the bathroom. Wait. I think I tweeted that once. Anywho…

I like Twitter. I like to read what people are up to, are thinking about or find amusing. I also like to entertain others but hate leaving my house. This way I can do both..

..and go to the bathroom…like I am right now.

So, in honor of my second year love affair with Twitter, I am inviting you to celebrate by participating in my contest! Here are the intimate details:

Why A Contest?
About two and half (maybe three) years ago, I was sitting in my temp Los Angeles apartment with @MattBelknap working on a project. At some point, we became distracted by this new social communication site called Twitter. We then ripped it a new one.

If you know Matt and/or myself, you know we might be considered judgmental. Twitter was at the top of our Dumb-Ass Things list. Then about 4 months later, my husband had a surgery. I knew I would be at the hospital for a few days, but I knew family and friends would want to know how Mark was doing and they would be calling my cell phone constantly…which was no good. I remembered Twitter! So I set up an account for my husband and texted in tweets. Voila! People could be informed of every blood spurt if they so chose, right from their home or office! At the end of that week, I received an email from Matt saying that, “This is the only usage of Twitter that I deem acceptable.” Now look at us.

The Prize:
So, after I dreamt up this silly contest idea, I pondered what I could give away…. Well, I do comedy, so it has to be something funny. And Twitter makes me think of Matt Belknap. Hmmm. OF COURSE!!

Matt is the producer of a wonderfully funny and charming podcast called Never Not Funny. He and host Jimmy Pardo invite a guest (usually a comedian but sometimes an actor, musician, etc.) to sit in on each episode, and they basically shoot the shit. Past guests have included: Conan O’Brien, Paul F. Tompkins, Jon Hamm, Jen Kirkman, Chris Hardwick and my husband Mark Volman, to name a few. So basically, awesome people. (Most awesomely: the late Andrew Koenig. Andrew was the video producer of NNF and an amazingly sweet person that will be forever missed by friends, family and fans.) It’s a great show and more people need to hear it.

Therefore, I will be awarding NOT ONE but TWO (because it’s my 2nd year, huh? huh? Clever, right?) tweeters a one season gift subscription to the @NeverNotFunny Pardcast!!

My favorite pic of Matt Belknap (left) and host of NNF Jimmy Pardo (right)

How To Win:

1) You have to follow me on Twitter to win. It’s funny, I see that my tweets are retweeted by people that don’t follow me. How did they even see it? The internet is creepy and mysterious. But it also has porn.

2) Then on Sunday, April 25th and Monday, April 26th ONLY , you must tweet the following: “I’m celebrating @emilyvolman’s 2Yr Twitterversary by entering a chance to win a season subscription to @NeverNotFunny!”

You only need to tweet this once on one of the two days. You can tweet it more, but multiple times will not get you more entries. BUT ALSO PLEASE NOTE: It’s my contest…added compliments about how great I am in your tweet will increase your chances of winning.

3) If you are already a current subscriber of Never Not Funny, fear not! The winners will get a one season subscription to use whenever they feel like it. Also, this ain’t no cheap contest…the prize is an audio AND video subscription.

4) The winners will be chosen at random via a high-tech selection process…like pulling a name out of a hat or shortest straw or entering the data into a calculator so it says “boobs.” Just be sure to use “@emilyvolman” in your tweet so I will see you!

5) The winner will then be notified on Wednesday, April 28th via a tweet. Get it? ‘Cause we’re on Twitter…where you can announce things…while you’re peeing. I’ll also DM you, then you can email me directly to get your subscription info. Then we can be email pals and probably become lifelong friends and take vacations together.

Welp, happy tweeting! And Happy Twitterversary to me!!

My Panties

I know at least one of you reading this is thinking, “No she didn’t write a blog about her panties.” But yes, yes, I have written a blog about my panties. And, lucky for you, you don’t even have to pay a dollar to see them.

NOTE: I’ve just used the word panties four times even though I HATE the word “panties.” It doesn’t matter who uses it, either. My grandmother innocently speaking about laundry. The sales woman checking you out at a lingerie store. A guy looking to buy some used on craigslist. Nobody can say that word without it sounding gross. It’s right up there with the words “purse” and “moist.” Imagine them being used in the same sentence! BLEUCH!

Well, I am going to now use the word “panties” all over this blog post…if only to make myself vomit that amazing waffle breakfast I had this morning.

But I won’t be talking about just ANY of my panties. (thank goodness, right!?) Today’s discussion is about a specific pair of panties that I just bought:

My Ruffle Panties

I bought these ruffled panties about a week ago at Target. Suuuure, you may not think of Target as the highest of lingerie potential and quality…and you would be right…but you will be even more impressed when I tell you these particular panties were on the clearance rack for $2.00. TWO DOLLARS! Nothing but the best for my cheeks.

But who doesn’t love ruffles. Little baby ruffle butts are the cutest thing!

I like ruffles on shirts, coats, hats, shoes…but I’ve never splurged for ruffled panties. This is probably because all the previous items I mentioned are on the outside of what you’re wearing. Panties, on the other hand, are underneath the rest of your clothes. Even this little girl’s ruffled panties make her cute little lavender shirt pop open. Let’s face it, ruffles are bulky.

Which is why, I’m sorry to say, my ruffled panties have turned out to be a poor purchasing decision on my part. You see, not only are they cumbersome under my jeans, but they don’t look that good by themselves.  And, while I obviously didn’t try them on at Target before I bought them, I thought for sure when I got them home (and washed them…always wash your panties before you wear them), I thought I would look like this girl:

But I looked more like this girl:

(Um…not that she looks bad….)

I mean, I’m NOT going to throw my ruffle panties away or anything…they cost me 2 BUCKS! But I probably won’t be investing in new ruffle panties. At least not until it becomes my work uniform…or I Benjamin Button my way back to 18 months old.

Well, that’s all I have to say on this subject, really. If this has been helpful to you in any way, I’d be f’ing surprised, quite honestly. BUT I always like to look on the bright side (*cough*), so at worst you just got to look at soft-porn on the web while at work! You’re very welcome.

Clap Fair Reform

Yesterday a monumental moment occurred in America’s history: the signing of the Health Care Reform bill. This blog has nothing to do with that. No, this is about an equally, if not MORE, important issue that effects a MUCH larger majority of Americans than being sick and stuff. I’m talking about clapping, people!!

Clap: to strike (usually the hands) together repeatedly so as to produce a percussive noise

As you may have noticed via your own experiences, clapping has become a very serious problem in this country. This may stem from the years of insisting to our children that clapping your hands is the one true badge of happiness (and knowing it), but it’s gotten out of control. In fact, the abuses of clapping have become downright unfair for the many Americans who have no voice (which is probably why they’re using their hands) and I…I just…can no longer sit back and say nothing!! (I’m sorry I get very emotional over this topic.)

Therefore I feel it is my civic duty to insist we now focus on the real “change” so desperately needed for Americans…in America: Clap Fair Reform!

Below I have made key arguments in favor of Clap Fair Reform. You are welcome to leave questions, comments or rebuttals at the end….but I assure you, YES I CAN get this passed….with or without you!

POINT 1: On With The Show Unless done at the very END of an event, speech or performance, clapping is interruptive. I understand one might feel compelled to reiterate their approval during a specific instance, but the rest of us don’t give a shit what you think. We have things to do and your random validations are taking away valuable time that the rest of us will never get back.

My plan would let every man/woman present their work without deferred flow. It would also call for arrests of any rogue clappers that blatantly defy a “please hold your applause until the end” request.

POINT 2: Movie Madness Although my plan would require applause to be held, the exception would be at the end of movies. No one should ever clap at a movie (at the end or otherwise) because THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU! The best way to show your approval for a beloved film is to tell other people to go see it. Clapping at a screen makes you look like an asshole.

My plan would encourage non-movie-clappers to belittle movie clappers…really loudly. (My plan does not call, however, to throw leftover popcorn at the movie clappers as I am currently working on a second bill calling for people to clean up after themselves. We are not your mama.)

POINT 3: Muzzle Between Movements Many schools have robbed students of an education in the arts, and, while I’ll leave that reform for people who actually care about children, this uncultured phenomenon is effecting classical music everywhere.

My plan would call for snipers to hide in the balconies of performance halls across the nation and silently take out any uncouth dumb-asses that even raise their hands to start clapping in between musical pieces by the same composer. I am sure my opponents will counter that the price tag for such a military operation may be too costly for the American people, but I would strong appeal that most enlistees hate classical so much that there would be a vast number of volunteers willing to shoot patrons for free.

POINT 4: Laudation Not Lilting This is by far the most serious and specific of the clapping offenses within the current Clap Administration, so I will break it down into three parts.

A) If you have attended a sporting event or watched a reality show recently where music plays in the background, you have witnessed the arrant disregard for proper applause usage about which I now refer: Applause->Rhythmic Clapping You are NOT an a cappella jazz choir; you are a general assembly of spectators!
B) Based on the evidence listed in Sub-point A, I submit to you the following: You Have No Rhythm The minute these general assembly of spectators are empowered to clap in unison, it becomes quite apparent that most have no clue WHEN to clap. [If you do not know what "on the off-beat" means, I'm talking about you!]
C) Finally, the worst offense of all unnecessary rhythm butchering is the: Slow Bridge to Fade-Out Face it, 99.9% of Americans have NO IDEA what to do when, while clapping along to a concert, they get to a slow bridge or fade-out ending. You know who you are.

My plan would require everyone in America to watch this guy. (This part of my plan has absolutely no value or promise of change, but it sure is funny to me!)

POINT 5: One Hand Clapping Like my dogs, clapping discriminates against those who don’t have hands. Or those holding something in one hand and feel socially forced to slap their thigh with one hand or else face guilt and scoff. One may argue that there are always “clap machines” that can easily be played with a single finger, but we all know those are for the RICH….and America HATES the rich!

My plan would encourage people to create noises of approval with other body parts and/or objects so that everyone feels they were given ample opportunities to show support. (Um, there are LOTS of videos about these options online, but my mom might actually look at my website someday….)

In summation, over the past year the House and the Senate have been working on an effort to provide health insurance reform that lowers costs, guarantees choices, and enhances quality health care for all Americans. That’s great….but what about clapping?

I hereby lay out my principles in the above address to you, My Joint Session of Friends, as a proposal that will make clapping more accessible, make clappers more accountable, expand auditory approval methods to all Americans, and make the cheering system sustainable, stabilizing public presentation, the Federal presentation, and the economy. The President has long said he is open to any good ideas for reforming stuff, so please let your voice (not your hands) be heard!!

Things That Are Awesome!

First of all, let me start with this blog thing. It’s pretty awesome. Blogs are self-indulgent forums where anyone can spout off on what they like, dislike, think, feel, bake…as if all the world cares. Well, I care….about myself….so here’s another one.

Usually, I’m the first person to tell you what sucks, but since this is Black History Month, I’m gonna tell you all the things that I think are AWESOME!!!  [Note: these are things I think are awesome today, but I'm fickle. I might hate these things tomorrow.]

-Live Live’s Bee Yummy Skin Food
Unlike when I lived in LA, Tennessee winters can be a bit more brutal on your skin. Especially your face. And if you’re like me, you’ve been told by various people that you have oily….no, dry…no, combination…no, oily….no, dry skin. It’s overwhelming and annoying.  But this year I discovered Live Live’s Bee Yummy Skin food (which I order online) and it’s been amazing! It’s all raw and organic, and has so many healing agents in it, too.  I put it on right after I wash my face and proceed with “the process” (as my college roommate always called my getting-ready routine). It’s awesome! (Bee Yummy AND “the process”)

-Kiehl’s All Sport “Non Freeze” Face Protector
Speaking of faces, this SHIT IS THE BALM! Kiehl’s is obviously no slouch of a product line, but this is one of my favorites. I run, and when it’s windy and cold, it stings!  Rosy red cheeks are cute until your flesh is hanging off of them. I slap on this stuff and I don’t feel a thing!  It doesn’t clog your pores, it doesn’t drip when you sweat and it’s SPF 30.  Plus, I would be very slippery in water…if I were to suddenly jump into water. That would be kinda awesome…

-Arriva Headphones
Speaking of running, (damn, I’m the segue queen!) this is probably one of my top favorite discoveries of all time. I have to listen to music while I run…call it dangerous or whatever…but I’d rather be hit by a car anyway without my sweet beats while I’m running. But, of course, who wants to be fighting with headphones and cords and all that while you’re trying to get in the Auto-Zone? Not me. Enter Arriva’s headphones. Attach an iShuffle (which I’m pretty sure are not being sold anymore – so that doesn’t really help you), bend the headphone to fit your head snuggly and *BOOM* you look like an alien!  A running alien!  That’s pretty awesome!!

-The Mouseworks
Ryan Williamson runs The Mouseworks out of his home in the mountains of Virginia. He’s young, kind of quirky and lives the most eco-friendly life of anyone on the planet, I’m pretty sure. Probably more than Ed Begley, Jr.

Ryan Williamson sells hats. Hats like the one in the picture there, and more.  I bought a bear one for my husband two years ago and, I kid you not, he cannot go anywhere without someone commenting on his hat. So this year, I bought them for all my friends! And they all love them, too!! They’re warm, made from fully recyclable materials and BEST OF ALL, you can design them yourself!  Ryan is also very sweet. He’s awesome!!  His hats are awesome!!!

-Fred Flare
If you haven’t heard of Fred Flare, you’re missing out. They’re out of Brooklyn, New York and, not only sell fun/wacky tsotchke stuff, but they sell clothing and accessories, too.  I bought a couple coats there this season, and I get stopped ALL the time with compliments! Thanks Fred!  Compliments are awesome!!!!

Also…their Customer Service people are very nice….and, let’s be honest, nice people are the MOST awesome!!

-Moo Mini Cards
If you need new business cards for your business that isn’t very business-like, then these are IT! Wait. That wasn’t a very good sales-pitch, was it? Let me back up.

These are “mini” cards, so they are smaller than normal business cards (which some might say is not smart in the world of business… “If it doesn’t fit into a Filofax, you’re probably going to lose that sale!”). But I like to think of these as unique-pieces-of-art-with-my-phone-number-on-it. They have a bazillion designs for you to choose from, EACH one of your cards can have a different backside, you can custom design your cards for NO extra fee AND you get 100 for $25 (including s/h)!

As you can see from the picture, I designed mine to match my website. Girls love small because small is cute because cute is awesome!!!!

-Garfunkel and Oats

Photo by Chad Nicholson

Speaking of small and cute (*sigh* now I’m just boring myself with these clever transitions), meet Garfunkel and Oats…if you haven’t already. They are a folksy little comedy duo out of Los Angeles. Both semi-somewhat-accomplished actresses in tv/film, Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci paired up to do songs and the like. Look them up. Specifically, the song “F**k You” is awesome!

-Scrunchies

I WEAR THEM IN MY HOUSE AT NIGHT WHILE WATCHING TV.
And you know what…I AM AWESOME!

So those are my awesome things for today. Awesome is pretty awesome, huh? You got any awesome things I should know about?

Give your fingers the gift that keeps on giving…

Last week I was in a store and stumbled across the oddest item I’d ever seen…. Practice Finger.

It was so fascinating, I had to buy it! When I brought it to the register, and the girl rang it up, I suddenly felt self-conscious for buying Practice Finger. I didn’t know what it was and it seemed really dirty. Either way, I didn’t want her to judge me for buying Practice Finger.

I laid Practice Finger on the counter and chuckled while saying, “I just had to buy this.” She nodded, uninterested. BUT because it’s me, I took it as harsh judgment. I had to speak up again. I had to let her know that I was buying this AS A JOKE! I really don’t NEED Practice Finger. I put on a clown-like smile and said, “It’s just the craziest thing!!” She half-smiled (which looked similarly like disdain) and said, “64¢.” All that coolness I was exuding (as described above) flew RIGHT out the window as I excitedly claimed, “What a deal for Practice Finger!!” As if I knew.

I got it home and examined it further. I was pretty excited about the self-adhesive base. You know…you don’t want Practice Finger to MOVE on you when you’re in the middle of….it. Whatever it is.

WARNING: Let me interrupt myself here to say that whatever you’re doing with Practice Finger, please note that it is “for Professional.” Not to be rude, but you’re most likely an amateur and I don’t want to see you get hurt.

Well, as it turns out, Practice Finger has an actual purpose: it’s used by cosmetology students to practice putting on fake nails. Now…I’ve never had a friend studying to be a cosmetologist, but I probably wouldn’t let her (OR him – doing nails is NOT just for girls anymore – ask any of the ONE male Korean manicurists always working at the sweatshop nail salons) practice on my fingernails.

So while Practice Finger makes sense “for Professional” reasons, I couldn’t help but think that there were a lot of times I could’ve used Practice Finger when I wasn’t QUITE ready to use my real finger. Here are some:

•  It just so happens the VERY day after I purchased Practice Finger, a friend suggested we pinky swear on something. I’ll be honest, friend, I was apprehensive about our deal. We’ve had our troubles in the past and to make such a strong commitment was causing me great anxiety. I’m so glad I bought Practice Finger when I did. It was sort of like “just moving in with someone.” So far, it’s working out. We’ll see.

•  With Practice Finger’s self-adhesive backing, it’s an obvious practicality for holding small items that I usually lose, like: keys, rings, sanity

•  Unlike any man that gets stopped at a light, I don’t really enjoy picking my nose. Or my butt. It’s dirty. Not my butt. Or my nose. I’m very clean. Well, maybe not when I have a cold or something. Sometimes your butt is just dirtier when you have a cold! I don’t know why!

Anyway… sometimes you have no other option for picking. Now you do.

•  I sucked my thumb until college. Now my left thumb is smaller than my right. Had I sucked on Practice Finger instead, I wouldn’t be the deformed monster I am today.

•  Given its unique “Unbreakable plastic” feature, Practice Finger is SO versatile!
- Got a flat tire? Keep Practice Finger in your glove box for quick plugs!
- Have a small, dark space you have to stick your finger in, but afraid of what might be in there? Practice Finger is ready for the task!
- Tend to smash your children’s fingers in car doors? Fear Child Protective Services no more! Now you can still take out your aggressions on them without really hurting them!

•  If I’m not mistaken, I think my housecleaner used Practice Finger to pull some hair out of a drain while I was out of town.

•  I’m learning to play the banjo, and I have found that my small digits make it harder to play chords with my left hand. This baby’s really gonna come in handy! Plus, I can just stick it right on the neck of the banjo! Sort of like a capo for weirdos.

•  A bonus of Practice Finger is its realistic look, flesh coloring (which I might add could be misconstrued as racist. I didn’t see multi-ethnic Practice Fingers at the store. Maybe it’s just where I live.), lifelike wrinkles and joints. This really makes Practice Finger camera ready. Prop Masters and Stand-In Casting Directors, I implore you to give Practice Finger a looksee. Jennifer Grey probably wore out her real finger in Dirty Dancing when she was calling her lover boy. I’m just sayin’.

•  Unfortunately, the one thing you’d really like to do with Practice Finger is flip someone off.  But alas, unless you want to look like you’re only half pissed about the situation, this bent Practice Finger is not very useful.

•  And finally, there are obviously many pornographic uses for Practice Finger…but I will leave those to your bedrooms, elevators, cars or wherever it is you do your pornographic things. (You can email me those ideas privately, however…I mean…for research purposes.)

I’m thinking about publishing a coffee table book on Practice Finger, so please comment below on any other wonderful uses you come up with. The best one will receive Practice Finger in the mail from ME! (How’s that for incentive, huh!?!)

Going Backwards Before Going Forward: The Musical

Since 2009 is almost over and we’re all gearing up for a brand new decade, it made me think about how many decades I’ve been alive. After cutting myself mercilessly in a hot bath, I pulled myself together and put the paper down. It had gotten too wet to do any real damage anyway.

As a typical “tail end” Gen-Xer, my favorite decade thus far is the 80’s. Those were my prime childhood years….which is to say that if I had been a teen or adult in the 80’s, I would probably still have a cocaine addiction. (No offense Robert Downey, Jr.)

In drifting down memory lane with myself, I remembered that somewhere buried deep in my garage are a very select group of vinyl records that I’ve kept all these years. I didn’t recall which ones they were, but I knew they meant enough to keep this particular lot. SO, I dug through box after box of vinyl records that were mainly relics of my husband’s youth and rock days…and finally found these gems**. My MOST IMPORTANT sensory flashbacks…that shaped me into who I am today.

11) Martika’s “Toy Soldiers”

Martika (left) and my personal copy of the single (right)

Who can forget the rough & tumble “tall” orphan in the movie version of Annie who went on to be the rough & tumble “tall” girl on Kids Incorporated? Sadly, plenty of people. This was Martika’s (nee Marta Marrero) only real hit…but it won her enough international success to afford a decent Latin music career. However, the success must not have been too great because she changed her name to Vida Edit this year and is starring in a web series called J8ded. …And she probably would like to kick Fergie’s ass.

10) Waterfront’s “Cry”

My copy of Waterfront's Cry single

Believe or not, the band Waterfront (from the U.K.) had a Top 10 hit in the US with this single entitled “Cry” in 1989, but I sure as hell don’t remember it playing anywhere.  I always assumed I was the coolest 7 year old around by listening to a little-known British pop band. Unfortunately, this was their ONLY Top 10 hit….UK, US or otherwise.  But they haven’t given up these last 20 years! They are currently in the studio recording a new album with an adult contemporary/ alternative country vein.

9) Wet Wet Wet’s Popped In Souled Out

Wet Wet Wet

Well, Waterfront wasn’t the only British-pop-band-that-starts-with-a-W I was into, apparently! I attribute this fascination (or even knowledge of existence) to the fact that my next door neighbors were British. The Broomheads. That was their name. They were very British. They also introduced me to Fraggle Rock (mainly because they got the “good” cable), Adam Ant and the Little Miss books.  The Broomheads also had a cool trapeze swing.  None of this pertains to Wet Wet Wet whatsoever.

The Smurfs All Star Show

Smurfs All-Star Show

As anyone who has known me for the last 20 years can tell you, I don’t get into cartoons.  MTV was the undoing of my childhood. Once I caught a glimpse of “hooligans prancing around in their underwear” (as my mom would complain), cartoons were LAME.  However, I was a mere seven years old when The Smurfs appeared on television…three years before Ted Turner could start rotting my brain with MTV…..and I LOVED The Smurfs! I will always cherish this album (which I find myself singing every so often) and my Smurfette shrinky dinks.

7) Chris de Burgh’s “Don’t Pay The Ferryman”

Chris de Burgh (lft) and my copy of the single Don't Pay The Ferryman (rt)

While he might be best known for his #1 single “The Lady In Red,” the only song I ever cared about was this 1982 non-hit (it only made it to #48) “Don’t Pay The Ferryman.” Sure, I was only 8 years old…but what a great song about death to dance to in my bedroom!

6) Sesame Street Fever

Sesame Street Fever

Everybody had this one! But that doesn’t make it any less special! This 1978 disco inferno featured the classics “C is for Cookie” and “Rubber Ducky,” but my favorites were “Doin’ The Pigeon” (Bert did know how to make the girls swoon) and “Has Anybody Seen My Dog?”

5) Julian Lennon’s “Valotte”

Julian Lennon (lft) and my copy of the single "Valotte"

Let me be frank here: I have no eff’ing idea why I own this 1984 single. I don’t even remember how this song goes. BUT I was a huge fan of his other single from this same album called “Too Late For Goodbyes.” I could sing it for you now, if you asked. So why do I have the lesser single “Valotte?” Beats the shit out of me.

4) Rebbie Jackson’s “Centipede”

Rebbie Jackson (lft) & my copy of "Centipede" (rt)

As the oldest of the Jackson kids, Rebbie didn’t have much of a chance to out-shine her cute younger siblings, but she managed to get to #4 with this 1984 single.  On a highly disturbing note, I was very sexy when I slinked around on the floor to this as a 10 year old. Or at least I thought I was. It was that evil MTV, I tell ya! With lyrics such as “Like a centipede that’s hot/ The fire is in your touch/ Just like a centipede you’ve got/ A lot of lovin’ to touch” how could I not be forever tainted…

3) Fonzie Favorites

Happy Days: Fonzie Favorites

This album came out when I was 2. It sort of makes me wonder why I owned it, but it may have been my mom’s and I just inherited it. Either way, I wore this sucker OUT! I absolutely loved Happy Days (and its subsequent spin-offs Laverne & Shirley, Mork & Mindy and Joanie Loves Chachi), but this odd little album was basically just a compilation of Oldies….with the occasional Fonz reference (such as the A Side “Impressionist Track” with all of Fonzie’s phrases set to music). BUT it introduced me to some of the best lesser-known songs of the 50’s like “Charlie Brown,” “Bird Dog,” “You Talk Too Much,” and “Silhouettes,” which impressed my husband when  I first met him. (Although, now that he’s finding out I learned them from a Happy Days album, I might lose my luster.)

Incidentally, this record is technically in my collection, but it will NEVER play again. During one of my mother’s numerous summer garage sales, she insisted I set up my portable record player outside to play music. By the end of the day, this record had curled into a lovely bowl with a hole in the bottom. Whadayagonnado….*Aaaaaaay*

2) Reader’s Digest – Popular Music Hit Parade

"122 All Time Favorites"

This goofy box set was definitely my mom’s originally. In fact, she may have insisted I play it at the beginning, but damn if those up-with-people-esque-singers don’t get to you after a while! While this touts having “122 All Time Favorites,” I only really cared about one: Tequila.  Imagine 40+ lame-ass choir people singing “du du du du du du” a capella to finally reach the big chorus where they all conservatively scream “TEQUILA!” Then go right back to “du du”ing the instrumental part. Two words: Awe. Some.

1) Taco’s “Puttin’ On The Ritz”

Taco (left) and my copy of "Puttin' On The Ritz" (rt)

Yep, you guessed it! I DID save the best for last!!

This 1982 masterpiece cover of Irving Berlin’s 1929 movie musical classic is…um…  Well, you know, it’s weird and kind of stupid, but I LOVED IT!  Not only did I sport my gold glitter derby and umbrella while acting out every word, I even made up my own tap routine to go with the shoe-instrumental-bridge-thing in the middle. Man, I was GOOD, too! I liked performing this so much that it lasted WAY in to high school whenever any of my friends came over. Come to think of it, I may even video said spectacle and put on youtube! Take that!

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Well, that’s it.  That’s my cherished collection.  I do still have all my Beatles albums, the Broadway soundtrack for Annie and many “cooler” vinyl albums from my later years of discovering New Wave, but those aren’t that funny.

**As I look back at this particular list, I realize they were all pretty silly….but in my defense, I was an only child, thus having no guidance from older/cooler kids. I had to entertain myself a lot.

What entertained you when no one was watching? (musically speaking, that is….)

Haribo macht nicht Emily froh…

Having lived in Germany a bit during my teens and studying the language all through high school and college, I’ve always had a kinship to all things Deutsch. One thing in particular is Haribo’s Gummi Bären.

Haribo started with the “Dancing Bear” in 1922 by Hans Riegel of Bonn (where I lived) and has become a $716 million a year industry worldwide…having spawned long past bears to mice, rattle snakes, Die Schluempfe (or The Smurfs to you and me), etc. and was even made into a Disney animated cartoon in the early 90’s. It makes perfect sense to me as they are Frisch and Fruchtig!

However because I’d been spoiled by the original German recipe early on, I was always thoroughly disappointed with Haribo bags purchased here in the States. It didn’t take me long to figure out that their taste varied depending on the country in which they were manufactured. Even the bags that they sold in “Germany” at Disney’s Epcot were manufactured in Maryland. That would never do! Thus I became obsessed with acquiring German bags.

Yes, there ARE more orange ones than necessary...

And I mean “obsessed.” I have asked people to bring them back from Germany for me many times. I know Haribo’s distribution centers around the world and will not accept any not made in Germany or Hungary. The last time our friends came back from Germany, they brought so many packages back in their suitcase that they were stopped by customs because they thought they was trying to sell them on the black market.

Since then, I discovered the only online candy shop that sells the imported Germany product: eurofoodmart.com. And after several trips and intense label reading, I could occasionally find the Hungarian manufactured bags at World Market.

WELL recently my life came to a screeching halt when I found out the worst thing a pre-menstrual, vegetarian girl could possible hear: Haribo uses beef and pork gelatin in their ingredient list. Sadly, several of my enablers knew full well that there were animal by-products involved and never told me because…as they said…. “Haribo macht Emily froh!” Sweet of them, but sneaky.

Surely, Haribo would take us vegetarians into consideration, I thought, so I did some research. They indeed offer some vegetarian candies, but they are not my beloved Gummi Bären. (For the record they are: Dunhills Kids Mixture, Freaky Fish, Giant Strawbs and Liquorice Twists.)

Since I have no choice, I have come to terms with my break up with Haribo Gummi Bären. But, being the positive person that I am (yeah, you can laugh), it just allows me to open a window to date yummier, more animal-friendly, teeth-rotting vehicles. Wanna be a matchmaker? I’m not a slut, but I will swallow.

Really? Who made this? Luckily, this picture alone has helped a lot in letting go.