Emily Volman

Honnygate

Written by Emily on January 12, 2011 – 12:28 pm -

Brilliant, beautiful and funny Redbook Blogger Alice Bradley recently posted a piece entitled “Go Ahead, Hire That Hot Nanny!” where she tackles the internationally controversial subject of man-stealing babysitters. Ms. Bradley’s article makes several valid points on why mommies-on-the-go have little to worry about when it comes to hot nannies (which I have taken the liberty of renaming “honnies”) wrecking their homes, but I found myself worried nonetheless. So worried that, were I a currently unemployed writer with little else to do than pine over matters that don’t even concern me, I would consider writing a counter-article on this very hot topic (which I have taken the liberty of renaming a “hopic.”)

Due consideration is not one of my strong suits, so here I go…

First of all, I don’t have children. Technically, this may invalidate everything that is to follow. However, I do have dogs that my husband and I treat as children, so much so that we only go out of town if we can find someone to live at our house and adhere to the dogs’ schedule as we would. Since live-in dogsitters are harder to find than one might think, we usually end up taking anyone that will do it…regardless of physical attributes.

Secondly, I don’t even know anyone that has a nanny. I am of the age where all my friends have newly gestated humans, but not one of them has a full-time nanny. They painstakingly take them to daycares or begrudgingly have their mother-in-law corrupt them on a daily basis. Ms. Bradley makes the argument that hot nannies are only really a problem if you’re a celebrity, but who else necessitates a honny in the first place?

Thirdly, are honnies that easy to come by? Are there model-esque debutantes standing on every street corner, just waiting for their big break into hardcore babysittingland? The real life nannies that I have seen tend to be…how shall I say this…more maternal looking. And usually of a different nationality than the couple doing the hiring. Where are these hot nannies?! And how can I look like one?!

Since I am dedicated to the truth, I called up my friend who owns a high-profile nanny agency in a town primarily focused on musical entertainment. For the purposes of this hardly-important-to-the-betterment-of-the-world article, I have decided to protect her identity, but I asked her how many “hot” nannies she has in her cache and how many, if any, have been linked to breaking up a family. She answered: “The reality is that we do have a lot of truly pretty/beautiful and I guess ‘HOT’ nannies in our group, but it has never been a real issue.  It’s been brought up jokingly when I meet with families and ask about what they think of as being the nanny that might work best for them.  But really, I haven’t heard of any of those ‘nanny broke up the family’ stories.”

What does she know.

Fourthly, men are men. No matter how lovably dorky you think your husband is at this point in your marriage, they still have eyes and they notice pretty, young ladies. Why wouldn’t they? We do. They are a ghost image of our former-selves. Before real life occurred.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting these coquettes are more interesting, more seductive or more attractive than the wives hiring them, but I am saying that we all recognize there is a reason why people of beauty are described as “fair.” Because their life is…and the rest of us are on our own. While that doesn’t mean that a husband is going to run off with the first Teen Vogue reader he sees buying a Victoria’s Secret bra, don’t think they haven’t had an intimate fantasy or two. We are all sexual creatures; men lean towards the sex part.

And, while Ms. Bradley is correct: it is most likely that any honny you hire will NEVER be interested in the man you call Snugglebuns, there are a lot of smart, ambitious, lovely young ladies out there that prefer the attentions of a wiser, more charming version of their high school sweetheart.

It is now in this text that I admit I am married to someone 27 years my senior. Relax. I didn’t “steal” him from anyone. And, in my defense – for the sake of society’s norms, I never had an interest in older men before I met my husband. We have been married for over ten years now, but I was 22 when we became a couple. In hindsight, it was his life experiences, his lack of having anything else to “prove” and his genuine joy in ME that made him that much more attractive. (Luckily, I still find that to be true.) But I was twenty-two…with far fewer gray hairs, less “cake frosting” on my behind and certainly less naggy than I am today. If I were married to someone closer to my age (with all the same daily-mid-life-crises that I have), I would wonder when – not if – my husband would start to wander. And if I planted a compelling alternative in front of him on a recurring basis…well, I’m just asking for it.

Fifthly, finally and most judgmentally (yes, that’s possible), honnies are suspect child-watchers in the first place. If they’re that siren-like, they spend way too much time thinking about themselves and not your children. What makes you think your kids won’t set the living room on fire while the temptress is texting and applying extra mascara?

I think you see my point: I have trust issues. But ALSO hiring a hot nanny is like setting out a super size bag of M&M’s on your desk everyday for a year. Sure, you’re smart, disciplined and full from that “yummy” salad you had at lunch…but why take the risk?