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Top 5 Coolest Female Movie Characters I’d Marry If I Were A Guy

Written by Emily on August 9, 2010 – 2:06 pm -

While I was running this morning, the song “Eastbound And Down” by Jerry Reed (from Smokey and the Bandit) came on my mix. You may ask yourself why I have that song on my iPod. It’s awesome, that’s why. Eff you.

Anyway, as I was throwing the hammer down and giving it hell, I started to think how cool Sally Field’s character Carrie (or “Frog” as Bo Darville called her because she “hopped around” and he wanted to” jump her”) was in that movie. If I was a guy, I continued to ponder, I think I’d like to have her around more than just on high-stakes roadtrips. The guy-me imagined roaming around the countryside, drinking beers with her. She was so carefree and fun on our trips…a real firecracker but not too opinionated…hot AND adorable…can drive a car…she needs me, yet doesn’t need me. We’d be perfect together.

Sally FieldI was almost hit by a car at this point on my run and jumping it wasn’t really an option by foot, so I stopped daydreaming about being a man and spending my life with Sally Field. But damnit. Quickly enough, guy-me sucked me-me back in by wondering what other cool chicks would be good to marry. After all, guys like to collect girls, right? Especially polygamists.

So, here are my “Top 5 Coolest Female Movies Characters I’d Marry If I Were A Guy”:

Frances McDormand#5: Marge the Police Chief (Frances McDormand) from Fargo
She can crack a case, build up her man’s self-esteem, capture a killer and speak out for human decency, all while in an advanced state of pregnancy and at sub-zero temperatures. She may not be the hottest woman in the world, but if we’re living in North Dakota, choices are limited.

Kelly McGillis#4: Rachel (Kelly McGillis), from Witness
From strapping farm widow and obedient adherent of a marginal anti-modern, pacifist religion to luminous maiden straight out of de la Tour to passionate heretic and soul-changing lover. And she makes a mean glass of lemonade after a hard day’s barn raising.

Diane Keaton#3: Kay Adams-Corleone (Diane Keaton) from The Godfather
If guy-me was in charge of an entire enterprise and community, I would want Kay to come home to. She quietly puts up with crazy family members, knows how to keep a secret and is always waiting for you when you’re ready for her. She also doesn’t ask questions. If she does…BAM! You can just lie to her and she’ll believe you.

Anne Archer#2: Dr Caroline “Cathy” Ryan (Anne Archer) from Patriot Games
This listing is admittedly influenced by a previous boyfriend who swore this was his ideal wife. Guy-me tends to agree, though, so she’s way up there. Beautiful, successful, supportive, a good mom, knows when to run when she’s told to and isn’t afraid to tell her husband to kill people for the sake of her family. What’s not to love?

Donna Reed#1: Mary Hatch Bailey (Donna Reed) from It’s a Wonderful Life
This is a no-brainer. It’s Donna fucking Reed, people! Quiet, unfussy, allows her husband to go completely mental looking for something better than what he already has. And why? Because she’s also smart and knows that men aren’t.

As I gathered my list, I noticed a pattern. All of the women guy-me was choosing were quiet-yet-intelligent, tough-but-innocent, not-too-needy-but-not-too-independent, beautiful, never too emotional and stands by their man no matter what they do…basically, me-me decided guy-me is an idiot. Or, at the very least, not living on this planet. Women aren’t like any of these women. Wait! I should say: Real women are exactly like these women PLUS a whole lot more.

I’m sure you can argue my list, but guy-me doesn’t give a shit what you think. And guy-me can kick your ass.

But me-me is more opened-minded and thoughtful. If you could be a man, are actually a man or were a man but now a woman, what are your top cool movie chicks worthy of marriage and why? ….Perhaps this wittle woman can learn a thing or two from all you smarter, stronger, manly-types out there.


Tags: coolest movie chicks I'd marry, Donna Reed, Dr. Caroline Cathy Ryan, Eastbound and Down, female movie characters, Frog, Godfather, It's a Wonderful Life, Jerry Reed, Kay Adams Corleone, Marge Fargo, Mary Hatch Bailey, Patriot Games, perfect women, Rachel Witness, Sally Field, Smokey and the Bandit
Posted in • Blog | 3 Comments »


3 Responses to “Top 5 Coolest Female Movie Characters I’d Marry If I Were A Guy”

  1. By LVN on Aug 9, 2010 | Reply

    Patricia Graynamore (Meg Ryan) from Joe Versus the Volcano

    She is independent, intelligent, and adventurous. She is willing to face her fears head on if it will get her what she wants. Whether she must risk becoming dependent upon her father’s money to get the boat she wants or jump into an active volcano with her husband because, as she says, “Where you go, I go,” she has courage to do the things she fears.

    It doesn’t hurt that she’s beautiful as well.

  2. By Caissie on Aug 10, 2010 | Reply

    Loretta Castorini in “Moonstruck”

    Loretta Lynn in “Coal Miner’s Daughter”

    Patsy Cline in “Sweet Dreams”

    Nora Charles in any “Thin Man” movie

    Peggy Sue in “Peg Sue Got Married”

    I either want to be these women or marry these women. Either way, right? Love ’em.

  3. By Ash on Aug 10, 2010 | Reply

    What about me-me who is gay?

    Kaywinnit Lee “Kaylee” Frye (Jewel Staite) from Serenity

    She’s adorable and cute and no matter who’s trying to kill whom, she’s always bright and bubbly and ready to mediate.

    Penny (Felicia Day) from Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog

    Sweet and kind, she will always look on the bright side of the situation “Even in the darkness every colour can be found”
    She also works at the Caring Hands Homeless Shelter, what’s not to love?

    Ariadne (Ellen Page) from Inception

    What can I say, intelligence is sexy…

    Juno MacGuff (Ellen Page) from Juno

    She’s cool, cute and speaks her mind. And it’s Ellen Page for goodness sake 😀

    Missy Pantone (Eliza Dushku) from Bring it On

    She speaks her mind… and it’s Eliza Dushku! 😛

    Now if you said television series instead of movies… that would have opened a completely different can of worms!

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