Emily Volman

Top 5 Coolest Female Movie Characters I’d Marry If I Were A Guy

While I was running this morning, the song “Eastbound And Down” by Jerry Reed (from Smokey and the Bandit) came on my mix. You may ask yourself why I have that song on my iPod. It’s awesome, that’s why. Eff you.

Anyway, as I was throwing the hammer down and giving it hell, I started to think how cool Sally Field’s character Carrie (or “Frog” as Bo Darville called her because she “hopped around” and he wanted to” jump her”) was in that movie. If I was a guy, I continued to ponder, I think I’d like to have her around more than just on high-stakes roadtrips. The guy-me imagined roaming around the countryside, drinking beers with her. She was so carefree and fun on our trips…a real firecracker but not too opinionated…hot AND adorable…can drive a car…she needs me, yet doesn’t need me. We’d be perfect together.

I was almost hit by a car at this point on my run and jumping it wasn’t really an option by foot, so I stopped daydreaming about being a man and spending my life with Sally Field. But damnit. Quickly enough, guy-me sucked me-me back in by wondering what other cool chicks would be good to marry. After all, guys like to collect girls, right? Especially polygamists.

So, here are my “Top 5 Coolest Female Movies Characters I’d Marry If I Were A Guy”:

#5: Marge the Police Chief (Frances McDormand) from Fargo
She can crack a case, build up her man’s self-esteem, capture a killer and speak out for human decency, all while in an advanced state of pregnancy and at sub-zero temperatures. She may not be the hottest woman in the world, but if we’re living in North Dakota, choices are limited.

#4: Rachel (Kelly McGillis), from Witness
From strapping farm widow and obedient adherent of a marginal anti-modern, pacifist religion to luminous maiden straight out of de la Tour to passionate heretic and soul-changing lover. And she makes a mean glass of lemonade after a hard day’s barn raising.

#3: Kay Adams-Corleone (Diane Keaton) from The Godfather
If guy-me was in charge of an entire enterprise and community, I would want Kay to come home to. She quietly puts up with crazy family members, knows how to keep a secret and is always waiting for you when you’re ready for her. She also doesn’t ask questions. If she does…BAM! You can just lie to her and she’ll believe you.

#2: Dr Caroline “Cathy” Ryan (Anne Archer) from Patriot Games
This listing is admittedly influenced by a previous boyfriend who swore this was his ideal wife. Guy-me tends to agree, though, so she’s way up there. Beautiful, successful, supportive, a good mom, knows when to run when she’s told to and isn’t afraid to tell her husband to kill people for the sake of her family. What’s not to love?

#1: Mary Hatch Bailey (Donna Reed) from It’s a Wonderful Life
This is a no-brainer. It’s Donna fucking Reed, people! Quiet, unfussy, allows her husband to go completely mental looking for something better than what he already has. And why? Because she’s also smart and knows that men aren’t.

As I gathered my list, I noticed a pattern. All of the women guy-me was choosing were quiet-yet-intelligent, tough-but-innocent, not-too-needy-but-not-too-independent, beautiful, never too emotional and stands by their man no matter what they do…basically, me-me decided guy-me is an idiot. Or, at the very least, not living on this planet. Women aren’t like any of these women. Wait! I should say: Real women are exactly like these women PLUS a whole lot more.

I’m sure you can argue my list, but guy-me doesn’t give a shit what you think. And guy-me can kick your ass.

But me-me is more opened-minded and thoughtful. If you could be a man, are actually a man or were a man but now a woman, what are your top cool movie chicks worthy of marriage and why? ….Perhaps this wittle woman can learn a thing or two from all you smarter, stronger, manly-types out there.