Emily Volman

Clap Fair Reform

Written by Emily on March 24, 2010 – 12:29 pm -

Yesterday a monumental moment occurred in America’s history: the signing of the Health Care Reform bill. This blog has nothing to do with that. No, this is about an equally, if not MORE, important issue that effects a MUCH larger majority of Americans than being sick and stuff. I’m talking about clapping, people!!

Clap: to strike (usually the hands) together repeatedly so as to produce a percussive noise

As you may have noticed via your own experiences, clapping has become a very serious problem in this country. This may stem from the years of insisting to our children that clapping your hands is the one true badge of happiness (and knowing it), but it’s gotten out of control. In fact, the abuses of clapping have become downright unfair for the many Americans who have no voice (which is probably why they’re using their hands) and I…I just…can no longer sit back and say nothing!! (I’m sorry I get very emotional over this topic.)

Therefore I feel it is my civic duty to insist we now focus on the real “change” so desperately needed for Americans…in America: Clap Fair Reform!

Below I have made key arguments in favor of Clap Fair Reform. You are welcome to leave questions, comments or rebuttals at the end….but I assure you, YES I CAN get this passed….with or without you!

POINT 1: On With The Show Unless done at the very END of an event, speech or performance, clapping is interruptive. I understand one might feel compelled to reiterate their approval during a specific instance, but the rest of us don’t give a shit what you think. We have things to do and your random validations are taking away valuable time that the rest of us will never get back.

My plan would let every man/woman present their work without deferred flow. It would also call for arrests of any rogue clappers that blatantly defy a “please hold your applause until the end” request.

POINT 2: Movie Madness Although my plan would require applause to be held, the exception would be at the end of movies. No one should ever clap at a movie (at the end or otherwise) because THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU! The best way to show your approval for a beloved film is to tell other people to go see it. Clapping at a screen makes you look like an asshole.

My plan would encourage non-movie-clappers to belittle movie clappers…really loudly. (My plan does not call, however, to throw leftover popcorn at the movie clappers as I am currently working on a second bill calling for people to clean up after themselves. We are not your mama.)

POINT 3: Muzzle Between Movements Many schools have robbed students of an education in the arts, and, while I’ll leave that reform for people who actually care about children, this uncultured phenomenon is effecting classical music everywhere.

My plan would call for snipers to hide in the balconies of performance halls across the nation and silently take out any uncouth dumb-asses that even raise their hands to start clapping in between musical pieces by the same composer. I am sure my opponents will counter that the price tag for such a military operation may be too costly for the American people, but I would strong appeal that most enlistees hate classical so much that there would be a vast number of volunteers willing to shoot patrons for free.

POINT 4: Laudation Not Lilting This is by far the most serious and specific of the clapping offenses within the current Clap Administration, so I will break it down into three parts.

A) If you have attended a sporting event or watched a reality show recently where music plays in the background, you have witnessed the arrant disregard for proper applause usage about which I now refer: Applause->Rhythmic Clapping You are NOT an a cappella jazz choir; you are a general assembly of spectators!
B) Based on the evidence listed in Sub-point A, I submit to you the following: You Have No Rhythm The minute these general assembly of spectators are empowered to clap in unison, it becomes quite apparent that most have no clue WHEN to clap. [If you do not know what “on the off-beat” means, I’m talking about you!]
C) Finally, the worst offense of all unnecessary rhythm butchering is the: Slow Bridge to Fade-Out Face it, 99.9% of Americans have NO IDEA what to do when, while clapping along to a concert, they get to a slow bridge or fade-out ending. You know who you are.

My plan would require everyone in America to watch this guy. (This part of my plan has absolutely no value or promise of change, but it sure is funny to me!)

POINT 5: One Hand Clapping Like my dogs, clapping discriminates against those who don’t have hands. Or those holding something in one hand and feel socially forced to slap their thigh with one hand or else face guilt and scoff. One may argue that there are always “clap machines” that can easily be played with a single finger, but we all know those are for the RICH….and America HATES the rich!

My plan would encourage people to create noises of approval with other body parts and/or objects so that everyone feels they were given ample opportunities to show support. (Um, there are LOTS of videos about these options online, but my mom might actually look at my website someday….)

In summation, over the past year the House and the Senate have been working on an effort to provide health insurance reform that lowers costs, guarantees choices, and enhances quality health care for all Americans. That’s great….but what about clapping?

I hereby lay out my principles in the above address to you, My Joint Session of Friends, as a proposal that will make clapping more accessible, make clappers more accountable, expand auditory approval methods to all Americans, and make the cheering system sustainable, stabilizing public presentation, the Federal presentation, and the economy. The President has long said he is open to any good ideas for reforming stuff, so please let your voice (not your hands) be heard!!